Parenting teenagers is a journey full of challenges and rewards. As teens push limits and seek independence, parents often find themselves navigating uncharted territory. Head of Senior School and Deputy Head of School, Emma McDonald, and Lead Psychologist, Zoe Ganim have supported St Michael’s students, parents and their own loved ones through the challenges of the teen years, learning a lot along the way! For those who missed their seminar at the 2025 Parent Expo, here are their key take-aways about setting boundaries.
Emma McDonald Zoe Ganim
We know teens like to push the limits. What does setting fair, healthy boundaries actually look like in real life?
It is a parent’s job to set clear, fair boundaries, and it is a child’s job to push against them. Research tells us that when boundaries are too strict or too relaxed, children are more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviour. Therefore, it is best to take a reasonable approach and ensure you are adjusting boundaries appropriately as your child gets older. It is also good to have a discussion about a particular boundary before you encounter the situation.
A great example is attending parties in the teenage years. A great time to have a conversation about your boundaries for party attendance is well before an invitation is received. A really bad time to set a boundary for a party is as you’re dropping your child off or while they are there! Once the invitation is received, you could discuss with your teen your boundaries around alcohol, pick-up times, and an exit strategy. One of the most important things is an exit strategy for your teen, so they know they can always call you if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
What’s the most effective way for parents to frame boundaries around screen time?
We notice that parents are often scared to set boundaries: perhaps scared of being seen as the ‘bad cop’ or scared of their child’s emotional reaction to a boundary being set.
It’s possible as a parent to acknowledge their frustration or anger with the ‘rule’, but for you to still hold that boundary in place. In fact, it’s crucial that we do. There is more and more research emerging about how damaging social media and smartphones can be to young people’s mental health, cognition, attention, and learning. It is probably one of the most common things parents stress about– what to do about social media and smartphones.
I love what Dr Becky Kennedy says about parenting being akin to being a “sturdy leader”. She explains that you can think of being a parent as being a pilot of a plane. In a mid-air emergency, the pilot does not turn to the passengers and consult with them about whether to turn back to the airport, make an emergency landing or carry on. The pilot, as the sturdy leader, makes a decision that’s in the best interest of everyone’s safety. This is so relevant to our teens’ social media use.
In the face of irrefutable research about the impacts of social media use and poorer mental health outcomes for teens, we have to be sturdy in our boundaries of this area. This could look like:
- deciding which platforms are appropriate for your child’s age and maturity level
- set time limits and no-device zones, such as dinner time, bedtime
- only allow devices to be used in common areas of the home
- charge devices away from the bedroom
- be a role model with your own device and consider what behaviours you are modelling for your teen around your own phone use
If this all sounds really hard, it’s because it is! And no teen and no parent is perfect, nor do we get it right all the time in this space. Jonathan Haidt’s book, The Anxious Generation, argues that the proliferation of children’s access to smartphones and devices can be in part attributed to an increase in anxiety and depression rates in our children. It is sobering reading, and while he has his critics, it is a conversation worth tuning into as parents.
It’s also really important that the consequences for breaching these boundaries are reasonable and don’t discourage your teen from reporting unsafe or abusive online behaviour they might be experiencing, to you. Do not remove the phone/device for extended periods of time. This helps maintain open communication and trust, so your teen knows they can come to you for help if something feels unsafe, rather than hiding problems out of fear of punishment.Emma McDonald, Head of Senior School and Deputy Head of School
Teenagers often react strongly to rules or limits. How can parents tell the difference between a normal response and something that might need more support?
Due to the increased activity in some parts of the teen brain, the under-development of other parts and hormonal changes, teens can have big emotional responses and that is completely normal, although exhausting and frustrating for us! I love the adage “all emotions are acceptable, but not all behaviour is”.
This is where emotion coaching can be a big help, in simply acknowledging how your child is feeling and helping them to name it with something simple like “you sound really disappointed about that”. Brene Brown has some lovely advice on “sitting with” someone who is experiencing a big emotion. Having a compassionate response and just letting your teen know that you’re there and ready to talk when and if they are.
If your child is lashing out physically at others, siblings or themselves in the home when experiencing heightened emotions, it’s important in the first instance to ensure everyone is safe and do what you can to de-escalate the situation. When calm is restored, that is the time for the conversation that “hey, I know you were really angry, but it’s never ok to hit your brother, and that can never happen again, so let’s talk about that.”
If you’re worried about the frequency or intensity of your child’s emotions, then it might be time to seek some further advice from a professional, such as a psychologist.
Many parents ask, ‘How much freedom is too much?’ How can families find the right balance between autonomy and structure?
This is really something that will look different for different families, and will depend on the age and maturity levels of the child. What we know about teens is that they are craving a degree of autonomy and independence, and this is crucial for their transition to adulthood. We also know that their brains are not quite ready to make all decisions!
The most obvious reasons for structure and boundaries are for safety: keeping your young people healthy and safe both physically and psychologically. This might lead to some non-negotiable decisions about what time they get home, how they get home and their access to social media.
It’s good to include your teen in discussions and allow them to have some responsibility for their decision-making. Structure is really important – whether that be keeping teens involved in structured activities such as sport, having a weekly schedule for homework, assigning regular chores to your teens in the house or finding some family rituals that facilitate time for connection.
In the heat of the moment, it can be tough to stay calm and supportive. What’s your advice for parents who sometimes find themselves snapping or getting caught up in their teen’s emotions?
Parenting a teenager can be really difficult at times. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed when your teenager is expressing big, intense feelings and react in ways you aren’t proud of. In those moments, staying calm can feel nearly impossible, but it’s also one of the most powerful things you can do as a parent.
Dr Billy Garvey, developmental paediatrician and host of Pop Culture Parenting podcast, advises parents in moments like these to see if you can get your kids to ‘catch your calm.’ When our kids are dysregulated, they often need our help to coregulate. Coregulation drives connection, builds trust and helps them to build the skills of self-regulation.
And if you do yell, that’s ok. Repair is an important part of parenting. When you are both calmer, and this might even be the next day, saying a simple, sincere “I’m sorry. I was feeling overwhelmed, and I didn’t handle that very well. It’s not your fault” can be really powerful. Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist, has a good TED talk on how to make a repair with your child if you want to explore this more.
So how do you calm down? Before responding to your teen, pause and take a breath, count backwards from 10 or step away briefly to collect yourself. This model's emotional regulation to your teenager and shows them that it’s okay to take a moment when feeling overwhelmed. You don't need to have the perfect response. Just being there and showing you care is often enough.Zoe Ganim, Lead Psychologist
What do you wish more parents knew about the teenage years — especially when their teen seems withdrawn or ‘shutting them out’?
Well, in the interest of full transparency, I am living this right now as a parent and it dawned on me the other day that I still have 9 years of teenage years to live through! So perhaps come back to me in 2034! The advice I offer is as an educator and professional and it is advice I turn to myself as a parent. It can be distilled into three tips:
The first thing is to take a strengths-based approach. Remind yourself regularly of all the things you love about your teen – this is the first thing Zoe and I asked parents in our workshops to share with each other and it’s so important, as teens can get a bad rap. Teens can be hilariously funny, determined, energetic, fiercely loyal and curious. What amazing traits! Make sure you tell them regularly and often
everything you love about them. Maggie Dent has some beautiful tips about all the positive and loving micro-moments you can bestow on your teen, like putting their favourite treat on their pillow for when they get home.
The second thing is to try not to be scared of your teen’s emotions – this goes for children of any age, actually – we can be so scared of seeing our children upset, of them having a tantrum or of them being in distress. These emotions are completely natural and our young people will not be ‘happy’ all the time. You can empathise with your child without catastrophising what they’re going through or making them think you are scared of their feelings. This can scare them or they could use it against you! Regulate your own emotions – easier said than done – and let them know you’re not afraid of theirs.
This is a two-in-one: It’s ok to say no – and – no, not everyone else’s parents say yes! I bet you’ve heard this before: “everyone else is allowed devices in their rooms”, “no one else’s parents are calling to check on the party supervision”. It’s not necessarily an argument you will win, but do sit smugly in the knowledge that these statements are incorrect! Chances are, if you have doubts about something or your instincts as a parent tell you something, other parents are feeling and acting the same way. Ultimately, however, as the pilot of your plane, it’s ok to say no to your kids and, in fact, healthy for them to hear it occasionally.
